Fake it until you make it.
Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely, and we are left only with the choice of what to do next. We can choose to be afraid of it. To stand there trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen. Or we step forward into the unknown, and assume it will be brilliant. –Grey’s Anatomy
After experiencing a traumatic experience, which in turn leaves you paralyzed internally, it is hard to really live by the quote above. You want to. I want to. I want to believe it with everything I am, and wish to be, but it’s hard to believe that. It is hard to really trust that things will be brilliant, because the last time I believed that, things weren’t. The last time I believed that I was fighting for my country, protecting my family and friends, while almost getting blown up on multiple occasions. Yes I chose to join the Army, which goes hand in hand with war, but that doesn’t make going to war less traumatizing. I believed my country was doing the right thing by invading another country and indoctrinating them with democracy for the greater good. I believed all of that. I believed that until I went on a convoy to another base while stationed in Iraq, and with our command group, just so they could check the parameters of an oil field. I believed until I saw the truth, and this left me completely empty, with every ounce of faith drained out. I didn’t believe anymore. It was at that moment I knew I couldn’t remain in the military. Something within me changed. I was tarnished, and filled with disappointment. Keep in mind this was while we were still on deployment to Iraq. So having that mindset while in such a hostile environment was extremely difficult. They always said in the military, “fake it until you make it.” Well that is exactly what I did until got out of the military 4 years later. That’s how long it took to finish out my contract, so I didn’t really have a say in the length of time I had to “fake it.”
I’m always waiting for the bottom to drop out. Even though I KNOW that thinking this way attracts negative energy, those thoughts still creep up. I started to have faith and believe again, but when I left the military all of those feelings came back. You really are left to figure it out for yourself once you are out of the military. Even though I served 10 years in the human resources field, and went to combat, none of that mattered once I got out of the military. I departed with an Army Accommodation medal, and a plane ticket to South Carolina. Again my choice, but you would think that the VA, and or our government would do more for our combat Veterans than they do. The simple truth to the matter is though, they don’t. And that just adds fuel to the already blazing fire within, and diminishes the little bit of hope I had. In short it’s hard to have that faith restored.
I know it will get better. I just know it will. So even though things are difficult, and I get stressed at the drop of a hat, I keep going. Even though I do not always sleep through the night, because of the high levels of stress that my body still experiences, I keep going. I have to assume it will be brilliant; otherwise what’s the point.