Oh now you want to speed up, now that I’m passing you! Get the hell out of the way! Road rage. We all deal with it, but for me these are things that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. I get so mad sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m mad. Inanimate objects get the worst of my wrath. Yeah, I know it sounds strange, but that stool better not get in my way again, or it’s going against the wall.
This rage is new for me, and came after deploying to Iraq. I deployed to Iraq for a little over a year, and came back a completely different person. In fact people told me that all the time; that I was different. I don’t share this side of me with many people. It isn’t a side a lot of people can or are willing to tolerate. So I usually keep these types of feelings, or experiences between my therapist and me.
I remember when I smashed a good portion of my apartment to pieces. Broke a lot of the glass objects I had, all because I didn’t want to go to bed and my spouse thought I should after a night of drinking too much. So naturally I became enraged because she was telling me what to do, and so I started throwing stuff. (No one was hurt during this incident. I didn’t throw the objects at her, and it was properly handled afterwards. I just want to add that to ensure everyone’s is aware that my spouse was not physically hurt. Thank God). She called my platoon sergeant out of fear, and it was only at that point that I came to and realized what I was doing. I was and am still out of control; the rage anyway, I don’t break stuff anymore. I now cuss at cars in traffic, yell at inanimate objects and on occasion smoke pot to calm myself down. This is how I deal.
Not having choices or options also makes me feel cornered, and evokes this angry beast within. When I have to go to work and I don’t want to I call in sick or go to a doctor’s appointment. If I don’t have the option to stay home or go to the doctor’s I get severe anxiety, which eventually turns into anger. I have to have options and choices. I don’t know where this comes from, and why I feel this way, but I know I cannot feel cornered or I will become anxious and angry.
I fight about little things too. Little things that normally wouldn’t matter, now matter. You would think after being sent to war, I’d have a little more appreciation for life, well you go to war and let me know how you come back. Little things piss me off. Even after years of being back from war, I still get ticked off easily. My spouse and I just got into an argument about a coffee being made on the Keurig. I made a coffee for her, but didn’t tell her that I made it. So she was upset that her coffee was made and that I didn’t tell her. That pissed me off. I made a fucking coffee. For you. Like it. Love it, but don’t complain about it. But no that’s now how it went. We bickered about it for about an hour, and then decided it wasn’t a big deal. She kissed me and then thanked me for the coffee. It is little misunderstandings like this that get to me. The little things can be great in life, or they can just really piss you off.
I’d like to think that my PTSD is manageable at this point in my life, but considering the level of anger that I still feel I know that I still need help. I can’t drink my way through it, I can’t smoke my way through it, and I can’t continue to yell at inanimate objects expecting something good to come of it or for something to change. I know that. But it does feel good to get it out, and show that stool who is boss!